The 10 worst things about being a soprano
9 August 2018, 14:12
Being a soprano is tough. The glamour, the glitz, the high notes... it all comes at a price. And no, you're not allowed a latte on concert day.
1. Everyone else is too loud
Thanks for all your help, As, Ts and Bs, but could you maybe quieten down a bit so people can hear the tune? Let's just remember who's more important here.
2. Singing later? No dairy for you
No matter how much you want to tip a latte into your face in an attempt to steel yourself before tonight's impending vocal acrobatics, you can't.
3. The Queen of the Night aria
Because all every soprano wants to do is sing four Fs above high C in quick succession. Still, when it works, it does make you look amazing.
4. People who say "Sopranos sound a bit high and squeaky for my tastes"
"I much prefer mezzos."
5. Lozenges, pastilles and other hellish remedies
Vocalzone? Gargling salt water? Aloe vera throat spray? Whatever you end up using to make your throat feel a little less like a hedgehog nesting site, it's always disgusting.
6. The top C in Allegri's Miserere
There's a reason it's supposed to be sung by an 8-year-old boy. They are not old enough to know fear.
7. Concert dress
You can't even contemplate being seen in the same concert dress twice, and with a full concert diary that's a lot of frocks. It must be such a grind for the tenors and basses, dusting down their machine-washable suits night after night and luxuriating in all that extra wardrobe room…
8. Soprano 2s hate you
In fact, all other singers hate you too. But when it comes to choral work, Soprano 2s are simultaneously jealous of your tune-bearing status and jealous of how much tune you get.
9. You are very much on display
There's been a huge amount of talk in the press about the aesthetic suitability of certain singers for certain roles in certain operas. Which, given that we're expected to accept any shape, size or age of tenor as a rip-torsoed, dashing romantic lead is obviously not undermining or insulting in the slightest. Not at all.
10. Everyone else is basically inferior