13 painful memories from primary school music that will trigger deep trauma

17 August 2020, 17:12 | Updated: 17 August 2020, 19:39

Primary school music, in a nutshell.
Primary school music, in a nutshell. Picture: Getty/Twitter

By Maddy Shaw Roberts

Obscure percussion instruments, saliva-drenched communal recorders and lustily-sung out-of-tune hymns. Makes you think, how come we ever grew to love music?

Please allow us to trigger some very specific memories of playing out-of-tune recorder, paying very close attention to your part in ‘Frère Jacques’ and deafening your poor supply teacher with a cowbell.

  1. Fighting over the coolest instrument in the box, the rainstick

    It was like you were IN the jungle.

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  2. Playing an excruciating, semi-tone-flat ‘Hot Cross Buns’ on recorder

    It was the ultimate gateway instrument.

    Read more: Why did we learn to play the recorder at school? >

  3. Wondering what the heck that wooden frog was supposed to do

    Wooden frog instrument
    Wooden frog instrument. Picture: Getty

    Is this supposed to sound like a frog? I am unconvinced.

  4. Successfully singing Frère Jacques in a round, and just being incredibly proud

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    I am a virtuoso and no one shall convince me otherwise.

  5. Coming in one bar early for verse three, and the entire school’s laughter consuming your soul

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    So, this is what the end of the world feels like.

  6. Being tasked with making your own musical instrument, and only mentioning it to your mum the day before

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    “Muuuumm, do we have any duct tape, empty cereal boxes or garden string?”

  7. Singing hymns that were absolute bangers

    *throws arms out to both sides with glee*

  8. There being that one incredible kid who should already be at the Royal Academy

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    Come on Ken chill out with the vibrato, you’re showing us all up here.

  9. Putting things up the end of your recorder, and getting them stuck

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    The end of a recorder? It’s a perfectly normal habitat for a pipe cleaner, why d’you ask?

  10. The incessant shaking of maracas and tambourines

    Your poor, poor teacher.

  11. Being told you can’t sing, and living with that sadness forever

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    Never tell a 9-year-old they’re tone deaf. That kind of negativity stays with you for life.

  12. Being made to sing your name in the register

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    A very particular kind of cruelty.

  13. Absolutely nailing your xylophone glissandi

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    This was the ultimate way to impress your crush.