28 cringe-worthy classical music jokes that you need in your life
The best (and worst) musical jokes. Did you hear the one about the viola?
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1. Schoenberg's tonic
Arnold Schoenberg walks into a bar. "I'll have a gin please, but no tonic"
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2. Conductors
What's the difference between a conductor and God? God doesn't think he's a conductor.
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3. The composer who was Haydn
Why couldn't the string quartet find their composer? He was Haydn.
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4. Beethoven's favourite
What is Beethoven's favourite fruit? "Ba-na-na-naaaaa"
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5. Karajan luggage
Why was the former conductor of the Berlin Philharmonic always first off the plane? Because he only had Karajan luggage.
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6. Bach organ stops
Why did JS Bach have so many children? Because he didn't have any organ stops
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7. Liszt making
There are so many jokes about this composer. I could make you a Liszt.
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8. Handel goes shopping
Why didn't Handel go shopping? Because he was Baroque. Image credit: Elliott Brown
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9. Verdi's airport adventure
Don't miss your flight, Guiseppe!
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10. Quavers in a bar
Why didn't the bouncer let the quavers into the bar? Because they were slurring. Image: Thomas Hawk
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11. Tuba glue
How do you fix a broken brass instrument? With a tuba glue.
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12. A flat minor
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.
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13. Singers
How can you tell if a singer's at your door? They can't find the key and don't know when to come in.
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14. Violas
What's the difference between a viola and an onion? No one cries when you cut up a viola.
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15. Minors
Middle C, E flat and G walk into a bar. "Sorry," the barman said. "We don't serve minors."
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16. Trombonists
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep? Pay them for the pizza.
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17. The bassoon and the trampoline
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? You take your shoes off the jump on a trampoline.
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18. Sopranos
How does a soprano sing a scale? Do, Re, Mi, Me, Me, Me, Me ME!
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19. Musicians
What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.
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20. Perfect pitch
What's the definition of perfect pitch? When you throw a banjo in the bin and it lands on an accordion.
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21. Pirate
Why did the pirate buy a Pavarotti album? Because he loved the high Cs.
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22. Knock Knock
Knock knock, who's there? Philip Glass. Knock knock, who's there? Philip Glass. Knock knock, who's there? Philip Glass.
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23. Viola and a lawsuit
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone's relieved when the case is closed.
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24. Chainsaw
What's the difference between a chainsaw and a saxophone? You can tune a chainsaw.
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25. Light bulb
How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb. One. She just holds on and the world revolves around her.
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26. Fire extinguisher
A percussionist, tired from being ridiculed by other musicians, decides to change instruments. He walks into a music shop and says, "I'll take that red trumpet over there, and that accordion." After a second, the shop assistant says, "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator stays."
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27. Back desk players
Two back desk orchestral players go fishing and one falls out of the boat. He screams: "Help, I don't know how to swim!" His partner replies: "Just fake it!"
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28. Double bass lessons
Son, what did you learn at your first double bass lesson?
