28 cringe-worthy classical music jokes that you need in your life

1. Schoenberg's tonic

Arnold Schoenberg walks into a bar. "I'll have a gin please, but no tonic"

2. Conductors

What's the difference between a conductor and God? God doesn't think he's a conductor.

3. The composer who was Haydn

Why couldn't the string quartet find their composer? He was Haydn.

4. Beethoven's favourite

What is Beethoven's favourite fruit? "Ba-na-na-naaaaa"

5. Karajan luggage

Why was the former conductor of the Berlin Philharmonic always first off the plane? Because he only had Karajan luggage.

6. Bach organ stops

Why did JS Bach have so many children? Because he didn't have any organ stops

7. Liszt making

There are so many jokes about this composer. I could make you a Liszt.

8. Handel goes shopping

Why didn't Handel go shopping? Because he was Baroque. Image credit: Elliott Brown

9. Verdi's airport adventure

Don't miss your flight, Guiseppe!

10. Quavers in a bar

Why didn't the bouncer let the quavers into the bar? Because they were slurring. Image: Thomas Hawk

11. Tuba glue

How do you fix a broken brass instrument? With a tuba glue.

12. A flat minor

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.

13. Singers

How can you tell if a singer's at your door? They can't find the key and don't know when to come in.

14. Violas

What's the difference between a viola and an onion? No one cries when you cut up a viola.

15. Minors

Middle C, E flat and G walk into a bar. "Sorry," the barman said. "We don't serve minors."

16. Trombonists

How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep? Pay them for the pizza.

17. The bassoon and the trampoline

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? You take your shoes off the jump on a trampoline.

18. Sopranos

How does a soprano sing a scale? Do, Re, Mi, Me, Me, Me, Me ME!

19. Musicians

What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.

20. Perfect pitch

What's the definition of perfect pitch? When you throw a banjo in the bin and it lands on an accordion.

21. Pirate

Why did the pirate buy a Pavarotti album? Because he loved the high Cs.

22. Knock Knock

Knock knock, who's there? Philip Glass. Knock knock, who's there? Philip Glass. Knock knock, who's there? Philip Glass.

23. Viola and a lawsuit

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone's relieved when the case is closed.

24. Chainsaw

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a saxophone? You can tune a chainsaw.

25. Light bulb

How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb. One. She just holds on and the world revolves around her.

26. Fire extinguisher

A percussionist, tired from being ridiculed by other musicians, decides to change instruments. He walks into a music shop and says, "I'll take that red trumpet over there, and that accordion." After a second, the shop assistant says, "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator stays."

27. Back desk players

Two back desk orchestral players go fishing and one falls out of the boat. He screams: "Help, I don't know how to swim!" His partner replies: "Just fake it!"