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    28 cringe-worthy classical music jokes that you need in your life

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    The best (and worst) musical jokes. Did you hear the one about the viola?

    1. Arnold Schoenberg joke

      1. Schoenberg's tonic

      Arnold Schoenberg walks into a bar. "I'll have a gin please, but no tonic"

    2. Classical music jokes

      2. Conductors

      What's the difference between a conductor and God? God doesn't think he's a conductor.

    3. Haydn joke

      3. The composer who was Haydn

      Why couldn't the string quartet find their composer? He was Haydn.

    4. Beethoven's favourite fruit joke

      4. Beethoven's favourite

      What is Beethoven's favourite fruit? "Ba-na-na-naaaaa"

    5. karajan joke

      5. Karajan luggage

      Why was the former conductor of the Berlin Philharmonic always first off the plane? Because he only had Karajan luggage.

    6. Bach organ stops

      6. Bach organ stops

      Why did JS Bach have so many children? Because he didn't have any organ stops

    7. Liszt joke

      7. Liszt making

      There are so many jokes about this composer. I could make you a Liszt.

    8. Musical joke – shopping

      8. Handel goes shopping

      Why didn't Handel go shopping? Because he was Baroque. Image credit: Elliott Brown

    9. Verdi's airport adventure

      9. Verdi's airport adventure

      Don't miss your flight, Guiseppe!

    10. Music jokes quavers in a bar

      10. Quavers in a bar

      Why didn't the bouncer let the quavers into the bar? Because they were slurring. Image: Thomas Hawk

    11. Classical music jokes

      11. Tuba glue

      How do you fix a broken brass instrument? With a tuba glue.

    12. Classical music jokes

      12. A flat minor

      What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.

    13. Classical music jokes

      13. Singers

      How can you tell if a singer's at your door? They can't find the key and don't know when to come in.

    14. Classical music jokes

      14. Violas

      What's the difference between a viola and an onion? No one cries when you cut up a viola.

    15. Classical music jokes

      15. Minors

      Middle C, E flat and G walk into a bar. "Sorry," the barman said. "We don't serve minors."

    16. Classical music jokes

      16. Trombonists

      How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep? Pay them for the pizza.

    17. Classical music jokes

      17. The bassoon and the trampoline

      What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? You take your shoes off the jump on a trampoline.

    18. Classical music jokes

      18. Sopranos

      How does a soprano sing a scale? Do, Re, Mi, Me, Me, Me, Me ME!

    19. Classical music jokes

      19. Musicians

      What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.

    20. Classical music jokes

      20. Perfect pitch

      What's the definition of perfect pitch? When you throw a banjo in the bin and it lands on an accordion.

    21. Classical music jokes

      21. Pirate

      Why did the pirate buy a Pavarotti album? Because he loved the high Cs.

    22. Classical music jokes

      22. Knock Knock

      Knock knock, who's there? Philip Glass. Knock knock, who's there? Philip Glass. Knock knock, who's there? Philip Glass.

    23. Classical music jokes

      23. Viola and a lawsuit

      What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone's relieved when the case is closed.

    24. Classical music jokes

      24. Chainsaw

      What's the difference between a chainsaw and a saxophone? You can tune a chainsaw.

    25. Classical music jokes

      25. Light bulb

      How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb. One. She just holds on and the world revolves around her.

    26. Classical music jokes

      26. Fire extinguisher

      A percussionist, tired from being ridiculed by other musicians, decides to change instruments. He walks into a music shop and says, "I'll take that red trumpet over there, and that accordion." After a second, the shop assistant says, "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator stays."

    27. Classical music jokes

      27. Back desk players

      Two back desk orchestral players go fishing and one falls out of the boat. He screams: "Help, I don't know how to swim!" His partner replies: "Just fake it!"

    28. Double bass joke

      28. Double bass lessons

      Son, what did you learn at your first double bass lesson?

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