On Air Now
Smooth Classics with Margherita Taylor 10pm - 1am
8 August 2018, 17:04 | Updated: 10 August 2018, 09:36
No-one knows what to call you, dogs are scared of you and your arms will always ache. Sorry, fluterers.
Here are the terrible things no one ever told you about playing the flute...
"So have you ever actually been to band ca-"NOPE. NO I HAVEN'T.
No one ever told you that holding such a small instrument could be so achey.
Flutist? Flautist? Fluterer? Ah, forget it...
Thanks, other orchestra people, for drowning out everything we're playing. You just can't compete with the brass. *sigh*
Sure, composers have written some cracking solos for it. But its ultrasonic squeaks might deafen you first.
Every time you lower your instrument, there will be some unwanted leakage. It will probably drip all over your shoes.
Composers don't care about giving you nice, logical sheet music. Blame them for your misery.
Thanks to all those composers who assumed you'd never need to breathe (thx Mozart), playing your instrument becomes a health hazard. Avoid outdoor concerts in extreme heats – they are not your friend.
Beware of the flute beard, flutists. The metal in mouthpieces doesn't react well with make-up, and might turn your chin a lovely bluey-green colour. Start bringing make-up wipes with you, in case of emergency.
Who knew such a tiny thing could be such a hazard?
They see your tiny fingers moving. They hear your mouth squeaking. They don't like it. Consider getting a cat instead.