How to play the violin, according to stock photos

Teachers, be gone. Hours of practising? Not for us. We're learning the violin with a little help from a bunch of generic stock photos. And this is what we've learnt...

1. 

   1. So you want to play the violin

   Here are a few tips to make you look as cool as this guy. Photo: Getty

2. 

   2. It's all about the hair

   Forget the hours of lessons and practice. Just ditch the conditioner for a while and you'll be a virtuoso in no time. Photo: Thinkstock

3. 

   3. See?

   Stock up on gel. You'll need plenty. Photo: Thinkstock

4. 

   4. Seek out the extreme

   And if it all gets too much, you should definitely set yourself on fire. Photo: Thinkstock

5. 

   5. Surround yourself by the elements

   Water always adds emotion and drama. Photo: Thinkstock

7. 

   6. Surroundings are everything

   If there's a firework display happening nearby, it's time to roll. Photo: Thinkstock

8. 

   7. It's not always about technique

   If in doubt, hold the violin by your armpits and inspect it as you jab away on the open strings. Sublime. Photo: Thinkstock

9. 

   8. Never look directly at a violin

   When you play, a wistful gazing into the distance is imperative. That way you won't notice the ladder mysteriously attached to your head. Photo: Thinkstock

10. 

    9. Hat's the spirit

    You've rendered your violin unplayable thanks to a badly judged French manicure. Cheer yourself up by holding it awkwardly against your body and wearing a large hat. Photo: Thinkstock

11. 

    10. Blue steel

    A good pout convinces everyone about the virtuosity and emotion of your playing. Photo: Thinkstock

13. 

    11. Money talks

    Make it clear you're a professional player. Staple cash to your head. Photo: Thinkstock

14. 

    12. The naked truth

    We're shocked and appalled. There's FAR too much rosin on that fingerboard. Photo: Thinkstock

15. 

    13. Improvise

    I mean, sure, that's fine too... Photo: Thinkstock

16. 

    14. Back to basics

    Keep the violin and bow away from each other at ALL COSTS. Even if that means holding the violin the wrong way around. Photo: Thinkstock

17. 

    15. A bum note

    Everyone knows holding the violin at your neck is for losers. How else will you show off those high-waisted khaki trousers? Photo: Thinkstock

19. 

    16. Most importantly, keep smiling

    A real pro doesn't let a mild electrocution get in the way of their solo career. Photo: Thinkstock

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