10 things that are utterly useless unless you are a musician

30 November 2017, 16:27 | Updated: 30 November 2017, 16:49

Useless musician things

Basically, it’s maths and holding your breath. Oh, and you’ve got loads of pipe cleaners.

1. You know your four times tables better than anyone

At best a party trick, at worst a serious blindspot in your mathematical education.


2. Circular breathing

Unless you’re planning on drinking several pints of beer through a straw, this is useless.


3. Knowing how to describe various speeds in Italian

I’ll have the spaghetti. Y’know… presto.”


4. Copious bootspace

You live alone, but have a huge estate car with all the seats folded down so you can lug your tuba around. You are a musician.


5. Extensive pipe cleaner collection

Because you never know when your oboe’s pipe cleaners might suddenly become useful… Actually, you do. It’s never.


6. Counting and text messaging at the same time

If you’ve been in that rehearsal too long, waiting for your single horn entry in an entire hour, you know all about this one.


7. In-depth knowledge of lubricants

Gotta keep those brass valves nice and slippery. Not sure what else they’re for.


8. Perfectly harmonising with random industrial objects

‘Hmm, if I go a major third above that weird hum the shower makes… YES!!’


9. Impressive dextrousness with tiny screwdrivers

Got an insanely tiny screw that needs tightening in your house? Your local woodwind player should be able to help you.


10. Selecting the exact Schubert lieder to go with your emotional state

Anyone feeling some existential dread? Maybe you’ve lost your love to a snowstorm? I’ve got just the thing…