10 nightmares only musicians have
30 October 2015, 17:21
They won’t make great trick or treating costumes, but these are the truly *terrifying* scenarios that haunt musicians’ dreams
1 Pageturning nightmares
Variations include: pages won’t turn, pages are blank, pageturner knocks music off stand, pages are made of chocolate.
You can watch the whole of that terrifying page-turning ordeal, by the way, here
2 Reed terrors
Like night terrors, only specific to bassoon and oboe players. Warning: the following image may cause panic attacks for wind players
3 When the orchestra plays an entirely different piece from the one you’d prepared
But like that would ever happen in real life. Oh wait.
Remember that time it happened to a real-life virtuoso, Maria João Pires?
See also: that time the whole Berlin Philharmonic pranked their soloist with the wrong concerto
4 Hanon finger exercises
Hanon’s exercises for pianists: simultaneously the most boring things on the planet. And, unbelievably, extremely stubborn earworms.
5 Being forced to play a contact sport
Urgh, such fast-moving and objects flying through… DON’T TOUCH ME AND MY PRECIOUS FINGERS.
6 Being asked to play for free
Oh no, actually, that one happens in real life. My bad.
7 You have to play in a concert but all your black clothes are in the wash.
See also: when you realise you’re naked part-way through a recital; when you realise the examiner is naked part-way through an exam.
8 Having to make small talk to a non-muso
“What instrument do you play? Or do you sing”
“Actually I’m a lawyer”
9 Playing outdoors in a freak hurricane
There's no relying on English summers… (they do not look like this)
10 Memory lapses
The audience take their seats, the house lights come down and… nothing. Mind blank.
Happy Halloween, musos! Hope you sleep tight tonight [cackles fade into distance]