The 10 worst things about being a choral singer
15 December 2017, 15:29 | Updated: 15 December 2017, 15:32
5am Easter services, hungover psalms and more romantic drama than an episode of Made in Chelsea. These are the 10 absolute worst things about singing in a church choir.
1. You’re up singing when literally everyone else is still in bed
“No no, I love seeing the sunrise. I didn’t want that lie-in anyway.”
2. There’s more relationship drama than an episode of Made in Chelsea
Your social life *is* choir (it is, stop denying it). Inevitably, yet misguidedly, you all start dating each other.
Also inevitably, it all gets super awks.
3. No one else understands the delights of the Tudor Anthem Book
It’s so awesome and yet no one understands its full awesomeness. You are doomed to always see its wonders and yet never be able to fully communicate this. Like that bit in Handel's Semele when she is burnt to a crisp after seeing Jove in all his glory. Or something.
4. PSALMS
The beautiful staples of the Judeo-Christian tradition. But you try and sing 306 BCP verses about exile from Zion on a hangover.
5. Spem in Alium
SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP
6. Altos (if you’re a soprano)
“Why do we always have to practise *their* bits again, it’s not like anyone listens to anything under the tune anyway.”
7. Sopranos (if you’re anyone else)
“Your solo was so great, but I would’ve done it differently”
So much passive aggression, so early in the morning.
8. People singing Christmas carols during Advent
Hark! The Herald Angels Sing NOTHING BECAUSE CHRISTMAS ISN’T FOR ANOTHER FOUR WEEKS.
9. Choir flu
From September onwards everyone is expecting/dreading/waiting for the inevitable annual occurrence of choir flu. But you battle on because CHOIR.
We will have all the vitamins please.
10 No one gets your Latin puns
Asperges Me
[silence]
