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Smooth Classics with Margherita Taylor 10pm - 1am
4 October 2016, 10:12 | Updated: 6 January 2017, 14:45
Quite simply, these are the loudest moments in classical music - turn them up and enjoy/massage your battered eardrums.
Don’t be fooled, naïve little lamb. We know it's very quiet after the intro. We see you there, turning the volume up , as if to say ‘this is nothing. My ears are immune.’ We see your expression turn from defiance to pure, twisted agony when that fff choral entry finally arrives. We were right. Weren’t we?
SMASH bomp SMASH bomp SMASH bomp SMASH bomp. You know the one.
There’s Gustav Holst, trying to make himself look clever by using a weird time signature. Seriously, who does he think he is? Doesn’t he understand how important it is to make things accessib-PAAAAAAAAAAA, PAAAA-PAAAAAAAAAAA!!! *brass entry makes audience’s heads explode*
The tune is romantic, sure, but just listen to that opening piano line and tell us it’s not being hammered with superhuman strength.
That Stravinsky, he’s a smiley guy. But you know what doesn’t make people smile? The crippling intensity of this orchestral assault to the face. No, that makes people scared.
Come on, you know the words! “Staaar Wars, da-da-da Staaaar Wars, da-da-da Staaaar Wars, da-da-da-daaaa!” This is definitely the most triumphant and positive entry on our list, so enjoy it while it lasts (if you can still hear anything).
Ride of the Valkyries, eh? A lovely little ditty about some peaceful maidens who hang out by a river? *BUZZER NOISE* Nope! It’s the arrival of doom harbingers at the end of the world. Sorry!
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