20 things musicians have definitely never said
"I'm free all weekend!" and a collection of other sentences you'd absolutely never hear from a classical musician.
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1. Page-turner
"Thank you, faithful page-turner. You have acknowledged my cues, and you have done me proud." - No pianist ever
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2. Hotel rooms
“It’s OK, I love the hotel room and the concert hall. I don’t need to see the rest of the city.” - No musician ever
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3. 12-tone music
“I often listen to 12-tone music at home for fun, not just when I have to play it myself.” - No musician ever
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4. Bolero
"We're playing Bolero? I cannot wait for this!" - No orchestral drummer ever
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5. Free time
"Actually, I'm free all weekend." - No musician ever
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6. Luggage
"Yeah, just stick it in the hold with my other luggage." - No musician ever.
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7. Rehearsal
"Rehearsal's over? I think it's time to head straight home for bed." - No musician ever
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8. Wagner
"And now, the orchestra will play that helicopter song by Wagner." - No musician ever
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9. Wedding
"You want me to play Pachelbel's Canon at your wedding? What a delightfully different choice!" - No musician ever
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10. Big violin
"You're right, it is actually a big violin. Thanks for noticing." - No cellist ever
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11. You take the solo
"You take the solo. You've earned it." - No soprano ever
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12. Coughing
"Please, don't mind me. Cough. Cough all you like." - No musician ever
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13. Oboe
"Alright! A perfect 'A' first time!" - No oboist ever
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14. Money
"I'm happy to play at your event in return for publicity and exposure. Money is not a motivating factor to an artist such as myself." - No musician ever
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15. Rests
Of course I counted every single one of those bars of rest and know precisely when I'll be coming in." - No musician ever
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16. Scales
"Oh scales, why can't you just be a piece of your own?" - No musician ever
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17. Phantom
"Yes, I suppose 'Phantom' is a real opera." - No musician ever
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18. Theory
"Frankly, I only did the practical exams so that I could get better at music theory." - No musician ever
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19. Clothes pegs
"Clothes pegs? In this gorgeous weather? Nah... We won't need them." - No musician ever
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20. The Ring Cycle
"The Ring Cycle in one sitting without subtitles? Sign me up!" - No musician ever
