9 problems only music teachers understand

5 October 2015, 16:59 | Updated: 6 January 2017, 14:45

If you spend your days cooped up in a classroom while kids press the ‘demo’ button, we salute you. (And we can see you crying.)

1. Every parent thinking their child is the best

“Yes, your child is easily the most accomplished musician I’ve ever met. Best prepare them for a Carnegie Hall debut before their 10th birthday. Also I am lying to your face.”


2. Excessive demo button pressing

The demo button is the absolute scourge of music teachers everywhere. Keyboard manufacturers everywhere should hang their heads in shame.


3. Cleaning the music department's 'loan' instruments

Especially brass. *barfs terribly*


4. Your desk drawer is more like a tool box

Scissors, spare strings, wrench for tweaking the piano, screwdrivers, all manner of cabling and chargers, enough grease to cover an orchestra of brass instruments… CHECK.


5. The question, “Isn’t music subjective though?”

Not when your child is literally incapable of playing a C-major scale, no.


6. Recruiting for choir

Short of physical violence, there’s nothing that a music teacher won’t do to make sure the first rehearsal of the year is full. Can’t sing? No bother, just stand at the back and mime.


7. The annual school concert

Marshalling a legion of sugared-up kids who are awake past their bedtime so they can sing ‘Let It Go’: not a classic night out.


8. When you have one kid who is clearly far better than everyone else in your class

Tough decision: let them shine and make everyone else feel bad and resent them, or treat them like everyone else and squash their dreams. Or give them a massive solo so that they vomit:


9. Parents’ evening

The one evening of the year when you wish you could just go back to a room full of shouting, noisy kids, mashing keyboards with their fists.