On Air Now
Smooth Classics with Zeb Soanes 10pm - 1am
How to play the cello, according to stock photos
Lessons not required: this is how you play the cello, according to the most generic stock photos we could find.
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1. Don't worry about technique
If you don't fancy doing the hard work and learning how to actually play the cello, just grab your bow in a non-specific way and rest it on one leg.
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2. Be moody
Even if you're playing the cello at an impossible angle, don't forget to commit to the moment. Look brooding and important, it'll make your audience think you're playing well.
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3. Involve your friends
If you know any smiley meditative types, come up with some sort of weird desert art installation.
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4. Stand up
Wherever possible, play standing up, on a hill, with a friend.
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5. Be unconventional
Be bold: don't be constrained by the cello lessons you had. If you want to play half-way down the neck with an appalling bow hold, you go for it.
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6. Accompany dance as much as possible
Don't hog the limelight - let your ballet-dancing friends get in on the act as well.
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7. Get out of the office
Cooped up in meetings all day? Escape! Your complete inability to play should not be an impediment here.
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8. Ignore basic safety
Things like public roads can become exciting performance spaces with the right attitude. Honk if you like the cello!
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9. Up on the roof
Why should you be bound by the concert hall or the practice room? Get up on the roof of whatever building you're on with scant regard for your own safety - who knows what the results will be.
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10. Relax
Don't stress. If you're sick of playing the cello, why not take a break? Lying down with your instrument will only improve your relationship with it.
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11. Don't fear the cold
And, if possible, secure a white cello. Don't worry about playing it, just try and look cool.
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12. Atmosphere
Playing the cello alone is boring. Liven things up with a smoke machine.
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13. Dress up
If you've got a pink hat and ridiculous socks, why should that stand in your way? Ignore convention, pop that cello up on a chair so it's unplayable and feel amazing.
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14. It's all about the hair
Forget the hours of lessons and practice. Just ditch the conditioner for a while and you'll be a virtuoso in no time.
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15. Go sideways
It's not important how you play the cello - adopt a new position, pioneer a new technique, go crazy!
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16. It's not all about the cello
Sometimes cellists get bogged down with the cello. Don't forget that there are other things out there too, like flowers. Which you should blow at.
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17. Venture outside
Own a wooden shack and a massive hat? Great! The cello is the instrument for you.
