A highly dubious guide to musical instruments, according to stock photos

13 August 2019, 16:35 | Updated: 13 August 2019, 16:39

A thorough and in-depth exploration and dissection of classical music imagery in stock photography.

We really love it when anyone picks up a musical instrument to play, but if you're falling asleep on your violin bridge you're probably doing it wrong...

Somewhere, in a parallel universe, is a world where classical music and stock photography exist in sweet harmony. Not this universe, though.

Here is an exhaustive guide of how not to play musical instruments. Please, proceed with caution.

1. 10/10 posture

   

   We're not sure this is *quite* what Beethoven meant when he wrote 'relaxed' in the performance directions...

2. #art

   

   Who signed off on this? We just want to talk.

3. The side-eye

   

   An expression that comes in handy when you play the wrong note. Useful for passing on the blame to the person next to you.

4. Bass face

   

   The face you make when Pachelbel drops a dirty bassline.

5. "Yeah I definitely practised what you told me to last week!"

   

   This is your teacher's exact expression every time you turn up without practising. Believe us, they can tell.

6. Trumpet...

   

   ... but ~*JaZz*~

7. The Plight of the Bumblebee

   

   That posture can't be any good for his breath control.

8. "Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom..."

   

   Pride Rock parallels aside, can someone check in with the stylist for this shoot? We have many questions...

9. “Sooooo... do you know how to play that Gershwin gliss? *pops gum*”

   

   He looks about as uncomfortable as we feel.

10. “Tell me it's a really big violin ONE. MORE. TIME.”

    

    *No cellos were harmed in the creation of this photo (we hope).

11. Strange place for a nap

    

    Apparently chin rests also make really comfortable pillows. Who knew?

12. Music for pit orchestra and wind player

    

    A visual depiction of how musical directors see wind players.

13. The face of utter defeat

    

    When you've done nothing but tone practice for weeks and you still sound like you're just blowing raspberries.

14. "Thanks a LOT"

    

    Useful when tuning. If you're horrendously out of tune, scowl at your instrument then try again.

15. Don't try this at home

    

    Sure, finding practice time can be tough, but this is one multitasking combination that should never ever ever ever happen.

16. The most innovative performance space of 2019.

    

    *bleep**bloop**honk**whizz*.

17. EADG... what now?

    

    Open strings are fine but we're fairly sure that your hands should be somewhere near the fretboard... right?

18. Ever been so hungry you took a bite out of your violin? No? Just this guy then.

    

    Strong flavours of maplewood and varnish, with subtle notes of tangy rosin and a hint of dust.

19. *hears a noise downstairs*

    

    Disclaimer: we strongly advise against using musical instruments for self defence. Violins, not violence.

20. David Atten-Bruch - duet for cello and birdsong.

    

    Here we see the cello not at all in its natural habitat...

21. What, you mean you don't wear sunglasses while you practise?

    

    Because no rehearsal is complete without a pair of oversized sunnies. Of course.

22. I wish I could un-sea this bowing technique (sorry).

    

    Really though, if your teacher lets you get away with this, you need a new one ASAP.

23. "So... you just blow down it, right?"

    

    Technology advances fast, but self-playing clarinets aren't quite here yet.

24. A true 21st-century romantic tragedy

    

    This double bass looks totally fine to us, but he looks pretty upset. Whatever it is, we're here for you pal.