Your cheeks are chasms of pain. Your volume is misunderstood. This is what it is to be a trumpeter.
1. Everyone else is a total wuss when it comes to volume
‘Trumpets, could you play a little more sensitively?’
2. Cheek pain
Rumour has it that Dizzy’s cheeks housed an entire ecosystem.
3. The assumption that fanfares are like oxygen to you
You don’t need any unconventional melodic shapes. That would confuse you too much, wouldn’t it?
4. You could play constantly for a gazillion years and never conquer the solo from ‘So What’
Like, how would you even start to attempt this?
5. The temptation to blow into random items
Garden hoses are never safe when you’re around.
6. All your orchestral parts are often written an octave too low so you cannot fulfil your volume potential
Composer: ’For this piece, I thought it would be better if the trumpets blended into the mix rather than blasting over the top.’
7. Split notes
To control split notes is to control the very elements of the world. You shall never achieve this.
8. The early stages of learning are tricky
Much like the violin, it’s hard to sound good on the trumpet unless you’re actually really good. Sometimes, this happens.
9. Tuning is a minefield
Especially when you’re dressed in a leotard and playing Star Wars.
10. Try as you might, you won't ever do this
Just Christopher Walken playing a trumpet while driving. Don't worry.