Les Patineurs Opus 183 Emile Waldteufel
Lessons not required: this is how you play the cello, according to the most generic stock photos we could find.
If you don't fancy doing the hard work and learning how to actually play the cello, just grab your bow in a non-specific way and rest it on one leg.
Even if you're playing the cello at an impossible angle, don't forget to commit to the moment. Look brooding and important, it'll make your audience think you're playing well.
If you know any smiley meditative types, come up with some sort of weird desert art installation.
Wherever possible, play standing up, on a hill, with a friend.
Be bold: don't be constrained by the cello lessons you had. If you want to play half-way down the neck with an appalling bow hold, you go for it.
Don't hog the limelight - let your ballet-dancing friends get in on the act as well.
Cooped up in meetings all day? Escape! Your complete inability to play should not be an impediment here.
Things like public roads can become exciting performance spaces with the right attitude. Honk if you like the cello!
Why should you be bound by the concert hall or the practice room? Get up on the roof of whatever building you're on with scant regard for your own safety - who knows what the results will be.
Don't stress. If you're sick of playing the cello, why not take a break? Lying down with your instrument will only improve your relationship with it.
And, if possible, secure a white cello. Don't worry about playing it, just try and look cool.
Playing the cello alone is boring. Liven things up with a smoke machine.
If you've got a pink hat and ridiculous socks, why should that stand in your way? Ignore convention, pop that cello up on a chair so it's unplayable and feel amazing.
It's not important how you play the cello - adopt a new position, pioneer a new technique, go crazy!
Sometimes cellists get bogged down with the cello. Don't forget that there are other things out there too, like flowers. Which you should blow at.
Own a wooden shack and a massive hat? Great! The cello is the instrument for you.