10 things that are utterly useless unless you are a musician
30 November 2017, 16:27
Basically, it’s maths and holding your breath. Oh, and you’ve got loads of pipe cleaners.
1. You know your four times tables better than anyone
At best a party trick, at worst a serious blindspot in your mathematical education.
2. Circular breathing
Unless you’re planning on drinking several pints of beer through a straw, this is useless.
3. Knowing how to describe various speeds in Italian
I’ll have the spaghetti. Y’know… presto.”
4. Copious bootspace
You live alone, but have a huge estate car with all the seats folded down so you can lug your tuba around. You are a musician.
5. Extensive pipe cleaner collection
Because you never know when your oboe’s pipe cleaners might suddenly become useful… Actually, you do. It’s never.
6. Counting and text messaging at the same time
If you’ve been in that rehearsal too long, waiting for your single horn entry in an entire hour, you know all about this one.
7. In-depth knowledge of lubricants
Gotta keep those brass valves nice and slippery. Not sure what else they’re for.
8. Perfectly harmonising with random industrial objects
‘Hmm, if I go a major third above that weird hum the shower makes… YES!!’
9. Impressive dextrousness with tiny screwdrivers
Got an insanely tiny screw that needs tightening in your house? Your local woodwind player should be able to help you.
10. Selecting the exact Schubert lieder to go with your emotional state
Anyone feeling some existential dread? Maybe you’ve lost your love to a snowstorm? I’ve got just the thing…